We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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