i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
