Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
