you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
