he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
