the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
