um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just google imaged poop.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
