I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
