Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
