im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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