It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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