I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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