I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I don't deserve a penis
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
