Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
