So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
