got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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