No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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