Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
