I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
