That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just puked most of my soul out..
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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