Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
