dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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