I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
