K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
