You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
