Swine flu. Run for my life!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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