A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
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I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize