I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
