Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
