Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
