i just wanna soil my oats bro
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
