fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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