70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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