if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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