Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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