I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He shit in the fireplace
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