He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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