im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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