I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
