how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
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I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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