whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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