I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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