I wish my penis had an off switch
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
