my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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