you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
