my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
