end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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