I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
