Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Holy sore nipples Batman
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
