he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
