Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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