im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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