We need to rekindle our bromance
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
