If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
