It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
