you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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