.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
