I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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